I am just wondering; finally, after so much of my life has been spent relying on my own strength, if this idea of "toughness" through difficulties isn't a belief that fosters idolatry and keeps me separate from my God? I have been a girl grown to a woman who learned to quietly suffer; keeping all my cards in my hand. I learned to bear it and grin; to be strong for others as they fell down all around me. After all, I thought, "if everyone is falling, who will be left to pick up the pieces when it is all said and done?" "Who can be there with the strength to carry on when all else fails?" How naive I am to put myself on the throne? I seem to have mastered the art of keeping others from seeing my deep fears and my true, weak self........ to protect my weaknesses so deeply that it keeps everyone at arm's length and prevents true friendships and intimate sharing to occur. I may have even started to believe in it myself; this power is so enticing.....to wonder if He is truly capable? "Doesn't He eventually need me to keep it together? For me and for everyone else?" Arrogance is definitely not a fruit of the Spirit, nor does it bring peace. I'm only beginning; even though I have reached what I have thought was the end of this thinking; to actually feel around with my toes to what I think could be the bottom of thinking ,"I am in control or I am probably in charge." Control has been a seductive idol in my life; luring me into passive resistance to God and His ways. I can talk the talk of "reliance" on my Saviour. I can speak with unwavering rhetoric about my "strength being made perfect in Him." I have actually taught, with some authority, lessons on these principles as if I had mastered a life of putting myself totally in God's Hands. Even as I type these words, I want to take back the feelings of helplessness that I am confessing. To be in control has been my safety, my putting off of fear, and my rescue. "After all, God needs me, right?..... to run my show, and the shows of others?" Somehow, I am seduced into thinking that this power and control will satisfy; this place of having everything under control! Although I call myself, a 'woman of the Word'...and I highly value what the Word teaches me for life; I find NOTHING in scripture that supports this notion of self-reliance and selfish strength. Quite the contrary and so I can see:
Ps 96:4-6
"For the Lord is great and greatly to be praised
He is to be feared above all gods
For all the gods of the peoples are idols
But the Lord made the heavens
Honor and majesty are before Him;
Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary."
Ps 18:1-2
"I will love You, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my Rock and my fortress and my deliverer.
My God, my strength, in Whom I will trust."
Finally, Jesus writes to His faithful church:
Rev 3:7-8
"These things says He who is holy, He who is true, He who has the key of David, He who opens and no one shuts and shuts and no one opens; I know your works.
See, I have set before you an open door; and no one can shut it;
for you have little strength,
have kept My Word, and have not denied My Name."
Today, I took some steps to share with three friends. I opened my heart; cried with deep dependence about some real fears I am suffering through. I asked for help; and I asked for prayer. I am learning, although slowly; to trust God with my fears....to be weak enough to share my needs with others. This has been the stumbling block for me...to share with others. I was so afraid that my weakness would be used against me. So proud of my own self-reliance. I now want to live in freedom and reliance on God alone. I want to put off the old and welcome the new. I want to look like the creature He made me to be....His....not of my own making....but, His......like a baby who trusts for his next meal. I thank Him for those whom He has given to me. My mask will slowly come off. I also know that as soon as I think it is, I will be tempted to put it back on. I do not have to keep pretending that I can control my life and endure it all. After all, I have only a little strength, and He has set the stars in the heavens! I know that God is faithful to complete that work which He has begun in me. May I be found faithful, too!
I love this song from Ginny Owen: Download it and hear her sweet repose:
"Own Me"
"Own me, take all that I am and
Heal me with the blood of the Lamb
Mold me with your gracious Hand
Break me 'til I'm only yours
Own me.........Lord, I am willing to be changed."
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